The DaVinci Code

This movie is crazy. Scandalous. Shocking! The Catholic church has been plotting against... people... who want to believe... something else... since the time that Jesus walked the earth. That's right, the Catholic church has been covering up the most shocking scandal since whatever you read last week in the tabloids. You've heard of Jesus, right? He's some random guy who lived a couple thousand years ago. One day He was driving down the road when He noticed a young lady pulled over with a flat tire. Her name is Mary Magdalene. Of course, He pulled over to help her out. A few years later He dies on a cross. Then He rises from the dead. He is about to ascend into heaven to sit at God's right hand when He realizes suddenly that He has a serious crush on His old friend, Mary. So they get married, settle down in a nice nieghborhood, have a couple of kids and retire at the age of 65. Crazy, huh?

Enter Tom Hanks, the true good guy in this story. The church wants people to believe that Jesus is the Savior of the world, but Tom Hanks figures out that Leonardo DaVinci said otherwise. It turns out that DaVinci hid tons of secret information in his paintings that, if discovered, would destroy the institutional church and thereby set the world free from the oppressive hope that comes from having faith in God. Take the last supper, for example: Jesus is leaning away from Mary Magdalene. Well? Need i say more? This means that Jesus was madly in love with her, duh!

Tom Hanks manages to figure this out despite a group of crazed clerics who want to kill him. There is one pale-skinned cleric in particular (Paul Bettany) who is like a guardian angel for one of the higher-up bishops. He's like an angel except that he flagellates himself, cuts himself with metal and wantonly kills people. Don't try to hide your shock, this might actually be true!

No comments: